As written by Steven James Dixon
Women do not know how to pick men. They pick the man of their dreams. Then they try to make McDreamy come alive in their reality. The reality is that it is estimated that 95% of women want to date the top 5% of men. Stop dreaming. Meanwhile men are willing to date darn near anybody who can twerk it right. So when you see a happily married couple and the wife is busted but the brother is a pretty boy, light-skindid with brown eyes, a brother that would be in your top 5%. Don’t say how did she get him? It wasn’t her. It was him doing something that you will never do. He relaxed his visual requirement a bit so that he could find some one that he thought he could build a strong marriage with.
Now I am not saying settle. I am suggesting that you date on your level. Find your level, date there. You are not perfect, neither will he be. Having the most money, has nothing to do with how successful one is in marriage. Anybody can make money. Go get your own money. Tall men sometimes make short kids. Pretty boys can’t fight and I have seen some ugly light-skindid babies. It is time for women to start looking at the CORE of a man. Look at what is inside of a man. His morals, his ethics, his judgment, his spirit. Stop looking at him or at his wallet or at his house or at his car and look in him. This is what you are looking for:
10. Look for a man that knows how to be “The Man”
This maybe a tad bit more difficult for some who don’t have the strong Father figure but I allow no excuses. If you don’t have a Father figure you know that right now, you have known that for some time. Go find out what a man is before you get into a bad relationship. Take some responsibility. (You know what, just keep reading this article. This article shall meet your educational credit. Pop Quiz to come.) Example #1: Your car breaks down, he shows no concern, he does not offer to help. You bounce. Even the mechanically challenged man knows that the car is the man’s responsibility. A man that is the biggest ho on earth still knows that as a man he is in charge of safety. And I don’t care what level of dating you are on. If ya’ll just met tonight and your car breaks down leaving the club and you call him and he don’t show in prove, bounce. Example #2: You bring your man home for the holidays. Dinner is ready, you and momma are moving the other table from the living room into the dining room so every body can eat in one room. You and momma pick up a set of chairs and a table and carry it across the room in front of your man setting on the couch maxing and relaxing. He don’t move, he don’t eat. Food, you, nothing, it’s a wrap.
9. Look for a man that is looking for a woman
Not a skeezer, not a trick, not a ho. If he tries to hit it on the first date either he is not looking for a woman or he doesn’t think that you are one. If you want a relationship, don’t settle for dating, just be friends. Being friends with a man first and maintaining your respect will get you to a relationship a lot faster than the occasional sex you give up waiting for a title. (I think that I have properly set the tone now. Let’s continue.)
8. Look for a man that is not broken.
I didn’t say broke. I said broken, meaning, his spirit, his wallet and his heart. If he don’t have faith in GOD to get him back on his feet, if he don’t have a plan to fix his wallet and he is emotionally unstable (“Men Don’t Heal, We Ho” – A Book About the Emotional Instability in Men. Available now on an internet near you – http://www.RelationshipBeast.com) beat-your-feet. He can’t take care of you if he can’t take care of himself. I didn’t say broke, got to tell ya’ll twice sometimes. A man being broke is not an excuse for not giving a man a shot. Money can be made. It comes and it goes. The problem with a lot of you ladies is that you are so busy looking at a brother’s pocket that you miss the potential in him. He could be about to “GET MONEY”. Broke brothers stand up! I’ve been broke before, look at me now! LOOK . . . AT . . . ME . . . NOW!!!!!
Evaluate the man. An evaluation is about where he was yesterday, where he is today and where he will be tomorrow. Whenever I meet a sistah that is dating a brother that is broke the first question I ask her is, “Do you believe in him?” The second question I ask her is, “Did he have money and lost it some way?” The third question is, . . . look, you saw the shameless plug, get the book.
7. Look for a Mailman.
That Mailman thingy is a play on words. I am nice with these words. The reference to mailman here is in regards to a man that can deliver the required message to his family. Whether this message needs to be a positive message or a negative message. So when my wife came home and said that she had been laid off that day, I said “We will be fine, I hated that job for you anyway. Dang job stressing my baby out.” What I really wanted to say was “Do you have anything that we can sell or pawn?”
When my wife came home and said, “We are expecting.” I had news too, bad news. I had been laid off that day. Again, I told her, “We will be fine.” I deliver the mail baby! Word is bond son!
Sadly I must report that the words, “We can’t afford that.” Are quite popular at my house. But there are enough times where the words “WOW! Thank you!” are also uttered. Look for a man that can be responsible for maintaining a financial balance in the home. If I tell my wife that “I ain’t got it,” I know in advance that she was about to ask for it and my plan is already in motion on how to get it for here. She knows that.
6. Look for a man that knows how to handle a woman
Ya’ll get out of line sometime with that mouf and that lose neck. Find that man that is not going to take the bait. The one that is not going to argue with you every time you want to argue. The one that can calmly say to you “Baby, when you are ready to have a conversation about your concern holla at your man.” Look for a strong brother that can put you in your place. (This means that you have to know your place – “10 Ways to go from Girlfriend to Wife.”) Don’t give me the, “I can’t find a brother like that.” There are brothers out there like this, he just may not be in your Top 5% and if you can’t find one, that means that you mustn’t be in the Top 5% either. (Let me just re-set the tone.)
5. Look for a man that knows how to let a woman be a woman.
If you have to be less of a woman to be with a man, wrong man. (Women, know what a woman is.) Look for a man that allows you to run the household. The problem with a lot of marriages today is that our roles are reversed, crossed or not well defined. My wife chooses the furniture – after I set a budget. My wife decides on what is for dinner – after I make suggestions. My wife is the Director of Child Rearing at the crib – I set the boundaries and the goals (and hand out “The Smackdown” on my son). Make sure that your womanhood and role is carved out in the relationship. I feel the need to provide more examples of this:
I went out and purchased a table and chairs for the breakfast nook when we moved into our new home – She did not talk to me for two weeks, I took the table and chairs back. I was minding her business.
I set a budget for some rugs around the house. She bought rugs that I didn’t like. She bought some rugs that she liked. I said to my wife “You stayed with in the budget?” My wife responded, “Yeap, go head on to your office or game room or somewhere.” She gets to make decisions too. Look for a man that knows what decisions are woman’s decisions. You define what are woman’s decisions to you. You gain this ability to decide by meeting all “10 Ways to go from Girlfriend to Wife.”
Final example, my son had been sick for a couple of weeks. The Doctor prescribed a stronger steroid. My wife said, “No more steroids for my son”. I said, “I trust the professional opinion of the Doctor that you chose.” I made my opinion known, she decides. She decides because that is the role that we carved out for her. I am a dominant man but I empower my woman.
4. Look for a man that does not mind helping out around the house.
True story: I wrote about 15 points for this article and decided that I didn’t like 7 of them so I cut ‘em. So I was down to 9 and I needed one more point. I took a break to go and put a load of clothes in the washer. BINGO!
Keeping up with the daily household chores is hard work. Especially when you have a full time job. Especially when you got them kids running around and it’s dinner time. If you got a man that gets off work and plops himself in front of the couch until dinner and then after dinner he plops himself back on the couch. What, you think he is going to change after you marry him? I know you think you can. I know you will try and sometimes succeed, but are you happy? You are in charge of finding a brother that is going to make you happy. If your man don’t want to help, he don’t care about you. Look for a man that can wash & fold clothes, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop, vacuum, change diapers and cook. If he don’t know one of those, he must commit to learning. (We are not dusting. We just not.)
3. Look for a Leader, he will lead your family and your marriage.
Woman, you are not the leader of the family. You are not the head of the household. Any marriage where the woman is the leader will fail. Any family where the woman is the head of household will fail. (Ladies, chill!!!! Let me do this. Don’t you want a man that knows how to lead you? Well, let me put this responsibility on them and my brothers will step up to plate. Additionally, men have to develop sons that are leaders. Men have to show their daughters what a leader looks like so she can go get one. Sistah, if you are leading the household, all of that is all screwed up! A boy cannot learn how to be a man from a woman. A girl cannot learn what a man looks like by watching her momma. Now, I have asked nicely for your participation. If you still don’t like it, I don’t care, it’s biblical.)
Families need leadership. A leader, leads in every way. A leader knows when to lead and when to allow others to lead. A leader has good decision making skills and families have a lot of decisions to make. When you are looking for your leader, look for some one that can lead even when times are tough. A man that can lead the family through bankruptcy, foreclosure, cancer, whatever. A leader, a good decision maker, the man, will make the right decision (with his wife’s input) on what house to buy, what car to get, daycare, private school, college. A leader, a good decision maker, the man, knows that if he makes the wrong decision, he will fix it. (Men, if you lose your respect, you can’t lead. You are disqualified homie.)
Leadership is not just about decision making. Leadership is also about leading by example. When my wife and I are arguing, I am OPEN to apologizing first every time. I lead us out of the argument. When my wife and I are arguing, I am capable of allowing my wife to have the last word. That woman needs to vent. I am still Man. She knows it or it is on in her life.
2. Look for a man that respects the institution of Marriage.
A marriage is not a relationship. A relationship is nothing compared to a marriage. A marriage is a union, an institution. When you get married, from that day forth, everything is different. My goal in writing these books and articles is to restore marriage to the pedestal that it used to be on! A person who is married has agreed to make some sacrifices and compromises that you don’t have to make as a single person. Marriage is hard work. The institution deserves our respect. Single woman, never advise a married woman to leave her husband. Advise her to go and get some advice. Single man, challenge your married brother to stay in the marriage and with his family. Some times a brother just needs another brother to tell him to stay and figure it out.
Look for a man that understands that there will be ups and downs in marriage and that he is responsible for leading you through those tough times. Look for a man that accepts the responsibility of the fact that the success or failure of marriage rest on his shoulders and his leadership. That’s right, I am putting ALL of it on the man. So if all of it is on the man that is a lot of responsibility right? So we need a woman who knows how to support her man.
1. Look for a man that will take pride in being a Husband.
The problem with marriage right now is that men don’t have “Being a Great Husband” as a goal in marriage. We have not been taught that, but it is something that we can talk about. Ask your man how important it is for him to be a great husband. When men get married, we have to change. We now have to be more man than we were before. We are no longer a boyfriend, we are a husband. Look for a man that understands that there are additional responsibilities that come with being a husband. Say to your man, “When we get married, I am entrusting my life to you.” Support your man and let him know that you believe in him. In my book I challenge all Husbands to “Be the Best Husband in the World”. Every day I walk up to Husbands and say, “I am a better Husband than you are.” In hopes of a Husband saying back to me, “No you are not”.
Now I did not say anything about a Christian man. You already know to look for a man that puts God first right? This guide is very detailed. All men are not going to have all of this all the time. Even I fall short on occasion but I know who I want to be.
Women don’t get all bent if your man is not all of these things or if he doesn’t agree to some of these things. I was only maybe about half this list when I got married, the rest I had to learn. So your man may have to learn. So some of these concepts will be being introduced to your man. He doesn’t have to agree today or agree publicly. He will agree one day, even if it’s only privately.
This list is not the end all, be all. It is my opinion. Is it perfect? Yes and No. Yes because I wrote it, no because you didn’t. You can post your opinion by submitting a comment right now.