Written by: Mish The Blogger

There’s nothing like a deranged girlfriend who’s ready to kill her husband with a machete to wake you out of a late night stupor!

I’m on my sofa chilling and getting ready to abandon the FX Channel’s 2 a.m. presentation of the Transformers movie when my friend calls. She’s married, so I’m super confused as to why she’s calling at this hour. I mean, aren’t married couples into a deep snore and sawing logs by 2 a.m.?

But when she starts talking, it’s clear my buddy is three sheets to the wind, plastered, hammered, sauced, schnockered, basically WASTED! Okay, she wasn’tthat inebriated, but she had been drinking and was a little loopy thanks to the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol! What’s most important about this story, however, is what lead her to drink in the first place.

See, what had happened was…

Her and hubby hadn’t been seeing eye-to-eye lately. Real talk? They hadn’t been seeing “pelvis-to-pelvis” lately either. So, feeling undersexed and a lil’ unloved, she got to snooping through her man’s things while he was out with the fellas this particular Saturday night. She didn’t find anything in the drawers, the pockets or the gym bag, so she did what any nosey woman would do. She went to the computer.

Suspicious Woman

(SIDEBAR: How do women get passwords? How did women suddenly become expert hackers? Voicemail. E-mail. Websites. Blogs. Hell, TiVo ain’t even safe! ‘Scuse me. Back to the revelation!)

Well, she eventually did hack her way into her husband’s e-mail. Inside she found a suspicious e-mail from Lana. My girlfriend went OFF! She screams into the phone, “I don’t even know a Lana! But this bitch is telling my husband it’s been a while since they spoke and how she’d like to hear back from him soon! And she’s telling him she’s got some stuff for him to check out!! Some shit about Viagra!!! What is this bitch trying to give my husband???”

In my mind I was thinking, “it sounds like she’s trying to get it up so she can put it down!” But you know I didn’t say that out loud.

Despite my girl’s assumption that Lana and her man had some history, it sounded too general to me. In fact, it sounded like half the junk mail in my Yahoo! e-mail account. I asked her to check out the e-mail address of the sender and to tell me what it said after the “@” sign. (Something like “@cheappills.com” or “@pillsforthrills.com”.)

While she’s looking this up online, she resumes her rant. Keyboard in one hand and sharpened machete in the other, she’s ’bout ready to skip her angry butt up to the club to slice up her husband’s tires, smash windshields, key the hell out of the candy paint and take a tire iron to the 22″ rims.

“Sweetie, that car has to come back to YOUR house after you destroy it,” I said flatly, regaining my interest in Transformers since I was thoroughly awake now. “You sure you want that monstrosity sitting up in your driveway having to explain to the neighbors that you’re the one who did it?”

She finally finds the website based on the second part of the sender’s e-mail address. Yup! It was some out-of-the-country pharmaceutical site hocking everything from Botox to Viagra. Her husband had been SPAMMED!

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell my friend to put the damned knife down and to calm her ass down. But the big lesson here was that she needed to trust her husband. Any woman can find just about anything if she sets her mind to it. And that includes trying to dig up dirt on her man. And something as innocent as an e-mail can easily be turned into a very big deal.

Next time she goes looking for shit, hopefully she’ll remember last time…she stepped in it!

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